


Never Alone With You

by honest_pebble



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Crying, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gen, Happy Ending, Implied Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Insecure Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime is a Good Boyfriend, Loneliness, Love Confessions, M/M, Numbness, Oikawa Tooru's Birthday, Oikawa Tooru's Knee Injury, Tagged T because of occasional swearing, but also not really lowkey, but it's lowkey, it's lowkey but it's there, lots of stars idk what to tell you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:27:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24522352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honest_pebble/pseuds/honest_pebble
Summary: Oikawa Tooru gets lonely. A lot.It’s the moments when he can’t see his friends that he feels it the most: when he’s lying awake at night, or weekends, or holidays. The days when Iwa-chan can’t hang out. Tooru hates those days. He hates being stuck in a too-big, too-quiet house. He’s almost always alone there, his parents always travelling away for work or to visit long-distance friends. Tooru feels like a long-distance son to them. Sure, he’s used to it by now, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro & Oikawa Tooru, Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Oikawa Tooru & Oikawa Tooru's Mother, Oikawa Tooru & Oikawa Tooru's Sister
Comments: 20
Kudos: 267





	Never Alone With You

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first iwaoi fic so I hope it's okay! Enjoy!!  
> Also to clear up any confusion, Oikawa's sister is called Aiya in this; I looked it up and couldn't see anywhere that confirmed her name so I just went with this :)
> 
> This fic is actually inspired by this big house not far from my house that has loads of big windows at the front of it! I don't see the lights on much and it kinda makes me feel all weird and inspired so I came up with this fic :)

Oikawa Tooru gets lonely. A lot. 

It’s the moments when he can’t see his friends that he feels it the most: when he’s lying awake at night, or weekends, or holidays. The days when Iwa-chan can’t hang out. Tooru hates those days. He hates being stuck in a too-big, too-quiet house. He’s almost always alone there, his parents always travelling away for work or to visit long-distance friends. Tooru feels like a long-distance son to them. Sure, he’s used to it by now, but that doesn’t make it any easier. 

He’s lonely now. It’s the middle of the day and Iwa-chan is at work – in a sweet shop of all things, how cute! – and Tooru’s already finished all his homework. Makki and Mattsun are too busy catching up on their own schoolwork to hang out. 

Most would expect him to practise volleyball during times like this, but Tooru has trouble working on his serves at home. There are too many distractions, like watching movies – alone – or researching conspiracy theories – alone – or mapping out more glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling – always done alone, but still… alone. It’s a hot day, too. 

He lifts himself off his bed and pushes his feet into a pair of trainers. He’ll just go for a walk; that way he can at least tell Iwa-chan he went out. He’ll worry if he doesn’t receive at _least_ one selfie of Tooru doing something, as per usual. He worries about him too much. It’s why Tooru hasn’t told him just _how much_ his parents are gone. Sure, he knows they travel a lot for work, he knows they leave at least once a month, but he doesn’t know that it’s been a month and a half since Tooru last saw them. He doesn’t know that they only call twice a week, sometimes not at all if they’re ‘too busy’. He doesn’t know that Tooru has spent some birthdays, even a couple Christmases, without his parents, receiving only an apology from them. He doesn’t know everything. 

The thing is, Tooru doesn’t want to intrude, and he knows that if Iwa-chan and his parents find out, they’ll invite him over more— Tooru already takes up so much of Iwa-chan’s time. 

He plasters a smile on his face, throws up a peace sign, and snaps a picture of himself under the canopy of trees to send to Iwa-chan. Then he pockets the phone and keeps walking, playing music through his earphones in hopes of blocking out his thoughts. 

* * *

Seeing Iwa-chan the next morning on the way to school is like a breath of fresh air. It was only two days but watching him walk over now has Tooru’s eyes stinging. He has to restrain himself from attacking him with a bear hug. 

‘Iwa-chan!’ he shouts, waving his arms about and jumping up and down. 

‘You’re too loud, Shittykawa,’ he says, rolling his eyes. ‘It’s seven: people are still sleeping.’ 

Tooru simpers and lightly nudges him. ‘Oh, Iwa-chan, always so grumpy for morning practice.’ 

‘I don’t get how you aren’t,’ he mumbles and runs a hand through his hair. ‘You don’t even sleep until one.’ 

‘Three, actually,’ he corrects. Iwa-chan smacks the back of his head, too light, really, to be called a smack. 

‘Trashykawa,’ he says. ‘What were you even doing?’ 

‘Putting up more stars.’ Tooru works best when everyone is asleep. Even if there’s no one at his house other than him to actually _be_ asleep. ‘I put some more photos on the wall, too.’ 

‘Which photos?’ 

Tooru watches a bird fly off its tree. ‘The ones from the fair last month.’ He turns to him and smiles. ‘And the one I took of us last week after practice.’ The sun was setting, then, and it had made Iwa-chan’s eyes sparkle. 

‘I thought I told you to delete that.’ 

‘But you look so handsome in it!’ he says, repeating what he said last week when he took the photo. Iwa-chan blushes and pushes him away. Tooru laughs. He’s never lonely when they’re together. 

* * *

Tooru loves volleyball practice, even if it means he has to get up early. He loves playing the sport and improving, even though it sometimes – read: very often – leads him down a path of feeling insecure and inadequate. He loves being around so many people too – sure, sometimes it overwhelms him a bit, but he can handle that. Volleyball means that people pay attention to him. It means that he’s not invisible. 

‘Nice serve!’ Mattsun calls just before Tooru jumps. The ball hits the gym floor with a satisfying smack, and he grins, a real one; out of the corner of his eye, he can see Iwa-chan smiling too. He’s always happy when Tooru smiles for real; he doesn’t like when he pretends to be okay. He can always see right through his façade. 

On the other side of the net, Watari manages to get his next serve up. When the ball comes back, Tooru tosses it to Makki. They get the point, and he gives his friend a high five. 

Tooru usually only feels alone in this gym when he’s practising his serves after hours, or after a particularly bad practice match. Sometimes he catches the thought slipping into his head that it feels more like home here than his actual house. 

* * *

After school, Iwa-chan goes to Tooru’s house to study for tomorrow’s English test. They usually go there when they need to focus on important work since it’s always quiet. Well, unless Takeru is there. 

They’re laying on the floor now, English books thrown aside. Tooru’s arms are wrapped around Iwa-chan’s waist, the latter’s fingers running through his hair. 

‘I still feel shit about not being able to spend Saturday with you,’ Iwa-chan says after a few minutes of silence. Oh. Yeah. Saturday is Tooru’s birthday, and unlike every previous year, Iwa-chan can’t see him until the evening. It’s an open day at one of the universities he’s looking at for next year. Tooru had been upset at first, but almost instantly wiped those feelings away. He’s proud of Iwa-chan; he’s going to become a doctor. He’s going to help people. He’s going to endlessly lecture Tooru about taking proper care of his knee – well, more than he already does. Tooru can’t be angry at him for following his dream. 

‘I already told you it’s okay,’ he says, intertwining their fingers. ‘Plus, it means I get to spend more time with Mom, Dad, Aiya and Takeru!’ His parents are finally coming home. 

‘I still feel bad though,’ he mumbles. Tooru sits up and leans over on one hand to look at him, putting on his serious face. 

‘Hajime,’ he says. ‘It’s okay. I’m proud of you.’ 

He still looks unsure, eyes searching Tooru’s face for any indication that he’s lying. ‘Are you sure?’ 

_Oh Iwa-chan. So different when it’s just us._

‘I know what you’re thinking, asshole. I’m being serious.’ 

Tooru smiles. ‘So am I. I’m not upset or angry. I am so super proud of you for doing everything you can to get into med school. I promise, Hajime.’ 

His eyes scan over Tooru once more before he leans up and captures his lips in a kiss, slow and sweet. When they pull away, Iwa-chan reaches up and pushes his hair behind his ear. He grins and resumes their previous cuddling position. 

‘Honestly, Iwa-chan, you’re acting like you’re gonna be gone all day. I’ll still see you in the evening,’ he hums, resting his head on his boyfriend’s chest. 

‘Shut up, Shittykawa.’ He flicks his forehead. Tooru breathes out a laugh and cuddles in closer. They stay like that for a few minutes before Iwa-chan speaks up again. 

‘You should call me Hajime more.’ 

Tooru tightens his hold around him. ‘Only if you call me Tooru more, Iwa-chan.’ 

* * *

Makki and Tooru are sitting in their normal lunch spot, waiting for Iwa-chan and Mattsun. They’re talking about tiktok when Makki – abruptly – changes the subject. 

‘So, uh… how did you and Iwaizumi actually start dating? You never told us,’ he says, leaning back on his hands and averting his eyes. 

Tooru tilts his head slightly. ‘Why?’ Then he perks up. ‘Do you have a crush, Makki? Oh! Is it Mattsun? It’s totally Mattsun!’ 

Makki blushes bright red, shifting uncomfortably. ‘Just answer the question, Oinkawa.’ 

_‘Oinkawa?!’_ he shrieks, hand flying to his heart. What kind of nickname is that?! 

Makki snickers to himself, then sits up slightly. ‘Oikawa. Please just answer.’ 

Tooru considers him, thinking. He said please; he must really be desperate…. He lays back and looks up at the sky. ‘It kind of just happened.’ 

‘What do you mean?’ 

‘Like…’ he searches the clouds for answers, ‘we both just slowly started to be more affectionate. We’ve known each other for so long, it felt like we both just knew. Like, I knew that Hajime looked at me differently, knew me better than anyone else. He knew that when I was with him…’ He swallows. ‘I never felt alone.’ 

Sometimes Tooru feels like he’s the only person alive, even when he’s surrounded by people in class, or when he’s with his parents. But he can’t remember the last time he felt like that around Hajime. 

Makki makes a gagging noise, but before Tooru can protest, he asks another question. ‘When did you make it official with each other?’ 

‘Iwa-chan just asked me. No extravagant confession or gifts, can you believe it?’ he laughs. ‘We were doing homework and he just turned to me and said _“we’re dating, right? Like, you’re my boyfriend?”_ and I said _“I think so. I want us to be.”_ And then we totally made out.’ 

‘You seriously remember it word for word?’ Makki sounds exasperated, and a little surprised, but Tooru knows he’s happy for them. Before they got together, he and Mattsun were getting tired of them dancing around the subject when asked about their relationship. 

He shrugs. ‘It was one of the best days of my life.’ He had never felt so… not alone. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so much love in that house. 

‘You two are sickeningly adorable,’ Makki says with a shudder. Tooru laughs and springs back up into a sitting position. He looks over to the stairwell where he can hear Iwa-chan and Mattsun laughing, then focuses his eyes on his friend. 

‘You should just tell him, Makki,’ he suggests. ‘Sure, you won’t be the power couple Iwa-chan and I are, but that’s just a given.’ He winks. 

Makki makes a gagging motion with his hands and rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. A small smile slips onto Tooru’s face too. He’s glad he has such good friends; he always had trouble making them in primary and junior high, and as much as Iwa-chan means to him, it’s nice to have other people too. 

When he’s with Makki and Mattsun, he barely ever feels alone. 

* * *

Tooru looks up at his ceiling, trying to focus on the glow-in-the-dark constellations covering it. He started putting them up after he turned fourteen when Aiya gave them to him for his birthday. Sometimes, the stars make him feel less alone: maybe because there are so many… or maybe because he has so many memories of gazing up at the sky with Iwa-chan. 

But he isn’t here right now, and Tooru is alone. 

He lets out a quiet, shaky breath and throws his duvet aside. When he gets too lonely or anxious, Tooru always goes around the house and makes sure there’s no one else there – he sometimes has nightmares of someone breaking in and killing him or stealing something. He turns off all the electrics, turns on the outside lights, then turns them off again once he’s sure no one’s skulking about outside. The house is too big for one person. 

Once he’s been round every room, he goes into Aiya’s old bedroom and lays on her bed, grabbing the old teddy bear which sits at the end of it. Sometimes he comes in here, or his parents’ room, to clear his head. It makes them feel closer. 

He lays on his side, burying himself under the covers, and tries to hold back his tears. He catches sight of the photo frames on the side table, pictures of the two of them and their parents when they were younger, and squeezes his eyes shut. He shouldn’t be sad. They’re coming back tomorrow – today? – for his birthday. They promised. 

* * *

He takes volleyball the next day as an opportunity to stop thinking. It’s not working too well. 

‘Oi! What’s wrong?’ 

Tooru slams the ball down and watches it fall. Out. He grabs another one and throws it up. Jumps. Hits. Watches. In, but could have more power. 

‘Oikawa!’ 

‘Just one more!’ he replies – _pleads_ – without looking away from the next ball in his hand. He pictures the other side of the net as every shitty thing Mom and Dad have done. Every broken promise. Every fear that has taken hold of his mind because of them. He serves the ball with more force than he means to. When he lands, he notices his legs are shaking. He presses his hands to his thighs – never his knee – and tries to calm his ragged breathing. He’s panicking too much. He’s expecting the worst. 

‘Fuck—Tooru!’ 

He looks up and sees Hajime hurrying over. He pushes his hair back and puts on a grin, trying to stay still. 

‘I’m fine, Iwa-chan!’ he sings; his voice is slightly strained. 

‘Bullshit,’ he says when he’s close enough. He looks down to give his knee a quick inspection and Tooru lets him. ‘You’re being extra intense today. Normally you’re racing home when your parents are back, but now you’re just overworking yourself, idiot.’ 

Tooru’s gaze flicks over to Makki and Mattsun who are not-so-subtly watching them. The latter gives him a look as if to ask if he’s _really_ okay. ‘Nothing’s wrong! I’m just trying to stay focused!’ 

‘I don’t believe you,’ he hears from in front of him. 

Tooru meets his eyes, then looks away. ‘Iwa-chan, I said it’s fine,’ he mumbles. He doesn’t want to tell him the truth: that he has a sneaking suspicion that Mom and Dad will have dropped out last minute. Just like last year. 

‘If you’re lying—’ 

‘I’m not. I’m just tired.’ It’s fine. They’ll be there. They promised. 

‘Okay,’ Iwa-chan relents, but he doesn’t look convinced. Tooru nods, then turns to the team and gives a thumbs up to those who are watching them, shaking out his leg. There are so many people looking out for him at practice; it makes him wonder why his parents don’t care that much. 

* * *

When Tooru sees the lights on through the windows, his heart skips a beat. He turns to Iwa-chan, ecstatic, and shouts something about calling him later, then sprints up the hill to the house. They’re home! 

He throws the door open, chucks his bag to the floor. ‘Mom?! Dad?!’ 

He peeks his head into the front room – he used to hate the wall of windows… until he realised the view at night. It’s just as empty as always, save for the small blanket/pillow fort he made a few weeks ago. When he turns back, he sees Aiya walking out of the kitchen. He grins. 

‘Aiya!’ He pulls her into a hug. ‘Where are they?’ 

She squeezes him too tight, then steps away. Her skin is slightly paler than usual: she’s nervous. He freezes. He already knows what she’s going to say. 

‘They… dropped by. They left again before I even got here,’ she says it with a steady voice, but he can tell she’s upset. And angry. 

‘Oh.’ 

‘Mom said on the phone that they were sorry. Apparently, something came up. A “massive opportunity” … again.’ 

Tooru nods. He shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. He knew this would happen. He had been expecting it. It was the same as last year. The same as always. Too many promises they just couldn’t keep. Always broken. 

‘Tooru?’ 

He looks at her, picks his bag up. ‘I’m gonna go get changed.’ 

‘They said they left you some stuff in your room.’ 

‘Okay.’ He already feels so numb. Or maybe it’s anger? Exhaustion? ‘Thanks.’ 

‘They suck, To. But who needs ‘em? You’ve got me and Takeru. Hajime. Hanamaki and Matsukawa. We’re all better.’ 

Tooru’s eyes are stinging. ‘Yeah. Thanks.’ 

There’s a small pile of presents and a card by his desk. An act to say they care… just not enough. 

He crawls into bed and stays there until Aiya calls him and Takeru for dinner. 

* * *

Tooru doesn’t like crying. He tries to refrain from doing so in front of others, and barely even does it when he’s on his own if he can help it. He’s emotional, yes, but crying… it says too much. It told Mom and Dad that he was confused and hurt – they thought he was doing it to make them feel bad, like he could stop the tears at nine years old. It told Aiya that he was gay when she suggested they go to Pride to support the community. It told Hajime that he had overworked himself too much because he was afraid of never being good enough. It told the empty house that he was just _too lonely._

So, he tiptoes to the front room – he doesn’t want to wake Aiya or Takeru, who are staying the night – and sits under the den made of pillows and blankets in front of the wall of windows. From here, he can see rows of houses and shops, paths and trees. Most important, though, he can see stars for miles. It helps his mind drift off to more peaceful thoughts. 

After a while, his phone buzzes. It’s a text from Iwa-chan. 

_**Iwa-chan:**_ **(00:00)** _Happy birthday Trashykawa_

Tooru runs his thumb over the words and replies. 

_**Me:**_ **(00:00)** _ahh Iwa-chan, always the first to say it to me!_

_**Iwa-chan:**_ **(00:01)** _You’re the same Idiotkawa_

_**Me:**_ **(00:01)** _rude Iwa-chan!_

_**Iwa-chan:**_ **(00:03)** _Are you okay? You didn’t call me_

Tooru doesn’t know how to answer. 

_**Iwa-chan:**_ **(00:04)** _You know you can talk to me Tooru_

_**Me:**_ **(00:05)** _I know_

_**Me:**_ **(00:05)** _it’s just been a long day_

_**Iwa-chan:**_ **(00:06)** _You wanna talk about it?_

Yes. 

_**Me:**_ **(00:06)** _no, it’s fine_

_**Iwa-chan:**_ **(00:08)** _Don’t stay up too late_

_**Me:**_ **(00:08)** _I’ll try my best_

_**Iwa-chan:**_ **(00:09)** _I’ll see you later_

_**Me:**_ **(00:09)** _tell me all about the university when you’re back!_

_**Iwa-chan:**_ **(00:10)** _will do_

_**Me:**_ **(00:16)** _have good dreams Hajime_

He sets down his phone, then turns to the sound of footsteps coming from behind him. 

‘Happy birthday,’ Aiya says, sitting beside him under the blanket ceiling. 

‘Thanks,’ he whispers, gazing at the stars; they’re easy to see tonight. It’s silent for a few minutes. 

‘You know you can talk to me, yeah? I know I’m not Hajime,’ she teases, ‘but I _am_ your sister.’ 

Tooru hugs his knees closer to his chest. He does know, but he doesn’t do it a lot anyway. He usually ends up calling her during the eventual breakdown. He’s just too tired of talking about the same thing and hearing the same thing back, even if she means well. Sometimes he wishes he could talk to someone else about it. 

‘Yeah. I know.’ 

‘What’re you doing in here, then?’ 

He listens to the sound of a plane passing over the house. ‘Just thinking.’ 

She waits for him to say something else. He doesn’t. 

‘Don’t think for too long, okay?’ She stands up. Tooru wraps the blanket tighter around himself. 

‘Okay.’ 

The house is better when there are more people here, but even with Aiya around, Tooru sometimes still feels so alone. 

* * *

He wakes up to the sun shining and his phone ringing. He doesn’t even remember falling asleep. 

‘Hello?’ he mumbles, rubbing at his eyes. 

‘Happy birthday, sweetie!’ Mom’s voice sings: everyone always says they sound alike. He had forgotten to check who it was; he wouldn’t have answered if he did. 

‘Thanks Mom,’ he says, and tries to smile even though she can’t see him. 

‘I can’t believe my baby boy is so old!’ She sounds emotional. Tooru is too tired to feel anything but numb, so he fakes enthusiasm. 

‘Yeah! I’m super excited for this year!’ It sounds plastic. She probably can’t tell though; she doesn’t know him well enough. 

‘Of course! You’re all grown up and it’s your third year! Which, speaking of, how’s school?’ She hasn’t seen him much since his final year started. He hasn’t even had the chance to tell her he and Hajime are together. Maybe she figured it out after going in his room: there are plenty of photos of them kissing, hugging, holding hands, up on his wall. 

‘It’s good,’ he shrugs, before saying what she really wants to know. ‘I’m still getting straight As. Volleyball is good. My knee is fine.’ 

‘Good, I’m glad.’ There’s a short pause, then, ‘How’s Hajime?’ She’s teasing him. So, she _did_ figure it out. She’s probably sad that he hasn’t told her. She’s probably holding in thousands of questions, like _“you’re gay?”_ and _“how long have you known?”_ and _“how long have you been dating?”_ and _“do his parents know?”._ Yes, six years, three months, and yes, they’re very supportive. 

‘He’s great. Perfect. He’s Iwa-chan, afterall.’ He smiles at the thought of him. 

‘Are you with him now?’ 

He deflates, but only slightly. ‘No. There’s an open day at one of the universities he’s applying to. I’ll see him later.’ 

There’s a moment of silence. ‘I’m sorry we dropped out again, Tooru. It’s just—’ 

‘Yeah. I know.’ He still loves her, even though it hurts. He thinks. 

‘You’re the best son I could ask for.’ He doesn’t say the same back about her as a mother. He doesn’t say anything. She knows how they feel: Aiya’s done plenty of screaming for the both of them. She probably shouted at her and Dad on the phone yesterday. 

‘Your father would come say hi, but he’s getting dressed. Important meeting today.’ She’s trying to fill the silence. She wants to stay on the phone longer. 

‘I’m gonna go, Mom. Seize the day and all,’ he says, and hangs up. 

If she wanted to talk more, she should’ve stayed home. 

* * *

Tooru spends the first half of his day with Aiya and Takeru. They eat, watch movies, and he opens his presents. Then he goes through all the texts he’s received, all the tagged photos on Instagram and Snapchat, and replies to every single one of them. The volleyball group chat is filled with horrifying photos of him and he throws his phone to the other side of the room. 

At around four, Aiya and Takeru leave – she says he has too much homework – so Tooru showers, then goes out too. It feels wrong being alone on his birthday; at least outside there are birds. 

During his walk, Mom tries to phone him. Then Dad. And then she calls again five minutes later. 

_‘What?’_ he answers, exasperated. He’s not in the mood. They left him alone, so why can’t they just stick with that decision and leave him that way? 

‘Tooru, I know you’re upset, but that’s no reason to ignore us,’ Mom says, voice stern, without even saying hello. She’s seriously _telling him off?_

‘You’re being too negative about all of this, Tooru. We’ve apologised, and you said you were going to be more positive about life,’ Dad says; he’s trying to sound caring. Tooru pauses in the middle of the path. There’s no one else around. 

‘Which time?’ he mumbles. 

‘What?’ Oh. They heard him. 

‘Which apology are you talking about? Which broken promise am I being too negative about?’ he asks. He can’t pinpoint an emotion in his voice, even though he’s the one saying it. 

‘Tooru—’ Mom starts, but she doesn’t finish. 

‘Is it last year’s birthday? Or last Christmas? Oh, or maybe when I was eleven and Aiya was away at university, so you just left me alone? Or could it be when I had the flu, but you had to go to Tokyo? Which time am I being too negative about?’ He keeps his voice calm. ‘Today? Because you swore you would be here after all those missed holidays, those almost two months of an empty house.’ 

‘Tooru, your mother told you: this is a big business opportunity for us.’ Dad sounds like he’s done. Tooru isn’t. His hand curls into a fist, and he feels a rush of anger crash through him. 

‘No, she didn’t! Aiya did!’ he shouts, then winces. He doesn’t like shouting at them, or anyone, for that matter. ‘Neither of you thought to call _me_. The one who’s been waiting months – _years_ \- for you to come home for good. Your _oh so special_ baby boy.’ 

‘I have already told you countless times—’ 

‘You don’t need more money,’ he argues, but he knows there’s no point; they’ve heard this reasoning enough times before. ‘You already have enough money to last you the rest of your miserable lives.’ He’s trying so hard not to cry. He _doesn’t like crying._

‘Tooru, you’re overreacting,’ Dad says it softly, like he thinks it will calm him down. ‘You’re being ridiculous.’ 

His heart drops. ‘You’re blaming me?’ 

‘Wha—?’ 

‘You’re angry at _me_ for _you_ neglecting me?’ 

‘Well—’ 

‘What is wrong with you?’ his voice is just cold now. So cold. ‘The only thing you two do for me is give me money to stay alive. Hajime’s parents are more like a Mom and Dad to me than either of you.’ 

Mom’s breath hitches. ‘Tooru… you know we don’t like leaving you alone so much.’ She’s probably crying. Tooru doesn’t care enough anymore. He still has one more thing to say. 

‘No, actually, I don’t.’ He wishes he were with someone right now. ‘If you really felt bad, you would’ve come home. _Stayed_ home.’ He doesn’t just mean today. 

‘Tooru—’ 

He hangs up, and then keeps walking, feeling nothing but numb and so, _so alone._

* * *

‘Oi. Trashykawa.’ 

Tooru tilts his head back as much as he can. He’s lying on the grass. 

‘Iwa-chan.’ He can’t bring himself to even sound happy. 

‘I looked everywhere for you,’ he says. ‘Your parents weren’t home either. What’re you doing here?’ 

When they were little, whenever they were really upset, they always went behind their old volleyball club building. There used to be a tire swing and benches. Now it’s just overgrown grass and memories with too many emotions to just name one. He should’ve gone somewhere else. In hide ‘n’ seek, if you know where the seeker is going to look, you don’t hide there. 

‘Just getting some air,’ he shrugs, looking up at the sky. There’s not a cloud in sight. 

‘Bullshit.’ Iwa-chan leans over him and blocks the view. ‘What’s wrong?’ 

‘Nothing, Iwa-chan. I—’ 

‘Tooru. You were weird yesterday and now you’re just acting… wrong.’ He looks worried. Hajime always worries about him. 

‘Wrong?’ 

‘Sad.’ 

Tooru sits up and picks at the grass, avoiding meeting his gaze. ‘Do you ever get lonely, Hajime? Like… overwhelmingly lonely.’ 

‘Tooru?’ 

‘I get so lonely,’ he laughs. It sounds wet. 

He hears Hajime sitting down next to him, but he doesn’t look over. 

‘Tooru… where are your parents?’ He’s caught on, then. Iwa-chan is smart when he needs to be. 

He shrugs. 

There’s another few seconds until he asks his next question. 

‘Why do I barely come to your house anymore?’ 

‘Your house feels more like a home.’ 

‘Why’s that?’ 

He shivers, even though it’s not cold. ‘It’s lived in.’ 

There’s a quiet intake of breath. Then it’s let out. ‘When did you last see them?’ 

He tries to swallow the lump in his throat. ‘A month and nineteen— twenty days ago.’ 

Hajime’s face falls, like he was hoping his guess would be wrong. 

‘Fuck,’ he mutters. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ 

_I didn’t want to worry you more. I didn’t want to intrude. I didn’t want to upset you._

‘I didn’t want you to think I’m weak.’ 

Hajime looks at him like he hears every other reason too. ‘You’re not weak for feeling lonely or numb.’ 

Tooru doesn’t move or say anything, so Hajime stands up. 

‘Come on.’ He holds his hand out. Tooru takes it. 

* * *

Hajime’s room is warm and cosy. It’s filled with both of their belongings, much like his own bedroom. A few years ago, after a summer filled with sleepovers, Tooru managed to convince him to let him decorate his ceiling with stars too. He’s always loved this room. This house. 

Hajime doesn’t say much, and Tooru’s grateful for that. He doesn’t know how much more talking he can do. Instead, he’s wrapped up in a hug under Iwa-chan’s mountain of blankets – he knows Tooru gets cold easily, even in summer – and small, comforting kisses are peppered across his cheek every few minutes. 

After a while, he turns around and curls into the curve of Hajime’s stomach. ‘Sometimes…’ his voice cracks, ‘I feel like they don’t love me.’ And then everything breaks. Tooru finally starts sobbing, and it hurts so much, and he feels so open. 

Hajime wraps his arms around him just a little tighter, rubs circles into his back. He doesn’t speak, but Tooru can feel the reassurances through his touch. It makes him cry even harder, and it strangely feels… not good, but not bad. He’s been holding too much in for so long. He can finally just… let it out. 

He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, with Hajime comforting Tooru as he absolutely soaks his t-shirt and mattress topper. He doesn’t know how long he just… cries. Like it’s nothing. 

By the time he’s done, his voice is raspy, his throat is sore, and his eyes are so tired. _He_ is so tired. 

One of Hajime’s hands moves up to his hair, threading it through his fingers. He’s always so kind, so gentle, when Tooru needs it. 

He takes the hand still rubbing his back in his own and lays them in the space between them, intertwining their fingers. A small, but so real smile slips onto his face when Hajime slowly rubs his thumb back and forth as if to continue the previous soothing motion. Tooru loves holding his hand. He loves knowing Hajime is right there. He loves being allowed so close to such an important part of him, as weird as that may sound. It’s not just a hand: it’s what lets him play volleyball, what will let him be a doctor, a direct path to his heart. He loves holding Hajime’s hand because it means that he’s not alone. 

‘Tooru…’ he says, quiet so not to disturb the peace surrounding them. 

‘Mm?’ his voice even croaks on that. _So much crying._

‘You know that _I_ love you, right? No matter what.’ 

Tooru shifts back slightly and looks at him. It’s the first time they’ve said it. 

‘You know I love you too.’ If he had anymore tears left, he thinks he just might cry again. 

Hajime takes his chin in his hand and Tooru shifts up so that they’re eye to eye. 

‘Iwa-chan looooves me,’ he sings, and Hajime rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. 

‘Yeah, but I don’t know why.’ 

Tooru makes a noise of mock offense. ‘Iwa-chan! So rude!’ 

‘Are you okay?’ 

Tooru thinks. He _really_ thinks about it. Then nods. ‘Yeah. I am now.’ 

Hajime looks into his eyes for a moment, and Tooru looks back. Then he kisses him, and Tooru can feel the love in it. He ends up smiling so much that they have to stop. 

‘Sorry, Hajime. You just make me feel a lot less empty,’ he says. ‘And that makes me really happy.’ 

‘You make me happy too… when you’re not being annoying,’ he teases. 

‘But you love it,’ he teases back, eyes slowly shutting and opening again. 

‘Go to sleep, Tooru,’ he whispers, pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

‘But—’ 

‘I’ll be here when you wake up. I won’t leave you.’ 

Tooru smiles and kisses him again, quick, before cuddling into him and closing his eyes. 

‘Love you, Hajime.’ 

Hajime pulls him closer. ‘Love you too, Tooru.’ 

And just as he’s drifting off, he hears another quiet whisper. 

‘I’ll never leave you alone again.’ 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and Comments are my favourite thing and make me super happy!  
> You can come chat to me if you want on [my tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/honestpebble)


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